Posted by: thisinfertilelife | February 6, 2010

Ghost Symptoms

You know when you are trying to conceive, how every month your body/mind tricks you into thinking you’re pregnant?  You could swear your boobs are sore, you’re bloated, nauseated and just feel “off.”  Somehow I thought that once I had experienced a pregnancy, I would KNOW for sure the next time whether I was actually pregnant or just pms-ing.  I remember stretching out in bed early on during my pregnancy with the twins and feeling all sorts of twinges and pulls like I had done a really hard ab work-out and thinking, “this is what it feels like, imprint this on your brain so you’ll remember next time.”  Ummm, apparently I have a short memory.

We have not been preventing.  And my period is due sometime today or the next two days (I’m usually anywhere between 29-31 days).  Do you know what I’ve been thinking for this whole past week?  “Maybe I’m pregnant!”  Ummm, well.  I keep trying to remember what it felt like and I just can’t.  So, logically, I think I must not be pregnant, because surely I would KNOW the feeling.  To make matters worse, I had pee sticks in the house.  On Tuesday night, I lost control and broke them out of the bathroom drawer.  As soon as the moisture creeped up the strip, I swore I saw a line, and not just the control line.  I blinked and it was gone, but there was a mark, a small piece of a line, if you will, at the very top of the window right where the second line would start.  And that mark?  It was pink.  I started googling “evaporation line” like a mad woman and driving myself batty.

I hardly slept at all Tuesday night.  I had to pee and I wanted to wait until morning so that it would be concentrated.  So I dreamed about having to pee.  And then I dreamed about feeling a baby kick and roll around in my belly.  It felt so real.  I woke up convinced that I must be pregnant.  So I took out another stick and it came out white as can be.  No trace of a line whatsoever.  At that point I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant and resolved to put the sticks away.  Of course, the next morning, I took another stick out.  This time, I thought MAYBE there was an extremely faint second line.  I was squinting at the thing so hard I gave myself a headache.  I think it was probably just as white as every other negative pee stick I’ve ever seen.  WHY do I do this to myself?

We left Friday morning for my parents place in the mountains, a short hour drive away.  I forced myself to leave the pee sticks at home.  I skied with my dad while my mom watched the kids Friday and my husband brought the dogs up mid-afternoon.  I’ve been sick for the past two weeks and thought I was getting a sinus infection, but really just wanted it to go away.  I’ve had sinus infection after sinus infection since the kids started day care last May and I’m so tired of being on antibiotics.  By yesterday afternoon, I was positive it was a sinus infection because my face and head killed anytime I bent over to pick something up off the floor and my teeth hurt.  So I called my doctor and asked the medical assistant if she could talk to the doctor about calling in a prescription for me.  She pushed back a little saying he would need to see me and that I should just go to urgent care.  I told her that my doctor had seen me with enough sinus infections in the past year to feel confident that I know when I have one.  She gave in and by this morning, they had called in a prescription for an antibiotic.  The pharmacy called to tell me it was ready and then it hit me.  “Is this a Category C drug?”  Yep.  What if?

What if by some miracle, I am pregnant.  It is so early on, would it really make a difference?  I don’t know.  Could I live with myself if I was miraculously pregnant and something happened because I took an antibiotic that was Category C?  Nope.  So I had to call the doctor back and they called in a different prescription.  And this whole time, no one in my family has had any clue of the inner turmoil going on in my head this week.

I’m an idiot.

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Responses

  1. Not an idiot…not crazy talk…you want something. I remember having those ghost symptoms and it does a real number on your head. Sorry it’s so hard on you…it sucks..

  2. Ugh I so so remember that whole “am I pregnant” every month, all those months thinking maybe, then I sometimes get a faint line and I would think “maybe I am pregnant” (which as you and I know aint gonna happen over here) ugh. I forgot what that whole experience was like and I hope you get a dark line!

  3. Kuddos to you for not bringing tests with you! You will for sure know either way when you get home and man I really hope there is a line. But if not, it is okay. Oh the journey begins.

  4. Prayers for a positive road ahead.


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