Posted by: thisinfertilelife | February 17, 2010

Survivor’s Guilt

I’m feeling numb this week, which must be my way of dealing with the shock of all this.  I haven’t wanted to write here because, what the fuck am I supposed to say?  I started this blog thinking I had a long, difficult journey ahead of me and the journey is now completely different.  I invited all of you here under one pretense and now what?  This will become a pregnancy blog?  I just really didn’t see this coming and I wasn’t prepared for the guilt.  My god, the guilt.  I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’ve done nothing wrong.  But I feel guilty every time I think of all of you out there reading (or not reading) and all of those who have struggled to get  pregnant.

I know I earned my IF stripes.  After all, it took us 3 years, a cancelled IVF cycle, three failed FET’s and finally a successful IVF cycle to get pregnant the first time.  And that pregnancy was no walk in the park.  Nor was the delivery of my twins, the uterine infection, retained placenta and gall bladder removal (which I’m convinced was a direct result of pregnancy) shortly thereafter. But I feel like getting pregnant this easy this time may have caused my IF stripes to be taken away from me.  And I guess I should be looking at it as a positive thing.  And I am over the moon that this happened so easily (only one hysteroscopy to break through scar tissue).  But I still feel like I somehow no longer belong to this community, nor to the fertile one.  I’m in limbo land.

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Responses

  1. I can understand how you feel, but I don’t read because you have, have had, or don’t currently have
    IF- I read because you are you- interesting and real!

  2. I hear you, but you’re not in limbo land, you’re in “hell yes I deserve this land.” Think of it as you get the best of both worlds…you’ve lived the infertile life, now you can go educate those damn fertiles as to how to be more sensitive. Denise, truly, this is wonderful. Just wonderful.

  3. I agree with Melanie…maybe your “land” can be Mommyland (OMG…so queer…did I just write that? For real???). Enjoy it…release the guilt…use your blog for what you need it for…not for what it can do for other people. It’s your blog…own it.

  4. Don’t be silly! Just like you probably don’t wear a giant sticker that says “we did IVF” you’re not wearing one that says “we did it the old fashioned way.” I read fertility blogs, obviously because I went through it too, but mostly because it’s about struggle and usually, triumph. This has the same ending, triumph! So don’t be silly!

  5. I like Maryanne’s comment and I have to agree. While we all came together because of our IF…I continue to read the blogs I do because of the WOMEN who write them…not the topic anymore. I read you now because you’re Denise, my bloggy friend. Not because you’re IF.

  6. Hey, you HAVE earned your stripes! You went through so much to get your twins. It’s wonderful that you were able to conceive with such ease now. Don’t feel guilty! You deserve this, and you also deserve an easy pregnancy, which is what I’m thinking it will feel like after having done the twin pregnancy thing. (Which, is omg, HARD! btw!)


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