Posted by: thisinfertilelife | May 9, 2010

Struggling

It has been almost a month since I’ve posted here.  Honestly, I think I’ve been in denial.  For some reason, I can’t get used to the idea of this third child.  As much as I want this, I hope that I feel differently when this kid is born than I do now.  Right now I feel nothing but exhausted and numb.  I can’t bond with this baby and I don’t know why.  I have no urge to decorate a nursery or buy things.  I haven’t been thinking about names or even gender.  I haven’t been using the doppler.  And when people congratulate me or want to talk about the pregnancy, I struggle to speak with enthusiasm and then quickly change the subject.  What is wrong with me?

My marriage has been anything but smooth during this pregnancy.  We fight constantly now.  Most evenings, I catch my husband glaring at me or sighing and I immediately assume he is annoyed and frustrated that I’m not helping more.  So I immediately snap at him, “WHAT?!”  Admittedly not the best way to handle things, but I can’t help myself. I don’t think he has ANY clue how difficult pregnancy is for a woman, plus working full time (in a stressful situation that I’m not going to go into here) and trying my best to stay upbeat for the twins.  I know my husband is taking the brunt of the daily chores and you know what, I just can’t find the energy to care that I’m not pulling my weight.  Yes, I know I’m growing a baby, so that should count for something, but at this point it feels like I’m playing the “pregnancy card” anytime I use that as an explanation.  It is already old.

I just want to be on the other side of this.  I’m 17 weeks in and still feeling nauseated.  It is probably partially because I got yet another cold and now there is constant mucous dripping down my throat (sorry for the gross description), but I just feel off all the time.  And I have NO energy.  When I do think about this baby being born, it is only to worry about how the twins will react.  I’m sure they’ll adjust and be fine, but I still think of them as my babies and it doesn’t make sense to me to think of them as an older brother or sister.

This dark cloud is not helped by the fact that we’ve got multiple medical issues going on in our extended family right now and rather than help anyone, all I can do is ask for help.  Help getting the kids fed, bathed and to bed at night once in a while to give myself  a break.  And yes, my husband does all of this too, but it really is a 2 person job.

I guess I’m just in a funk.  Physically and mentally.

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Responses

  1. Everything you are feeling seem like such an understandable place to be right now. Honestly, I am thinking how brave you are and how good it is that you can admit you feel this way. So much better than keeping it bottled inside trying to pretend you feel differently. My heart goes out to you, it sounds like you are so overwhelmed right now and it makes so much sense that you would be. Big hugs to you.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear all of this, but I do think it’s common…kids and pregnancies are hard on a marriage and it sounds like the work situation isn’t making anything any easier for you. You will probably come to a point where you are excited about the pregnancy…you’re just not there yet…you don’t have the energy to be there, yet! How could you?

    Hang in there, Mama…you’re doing the best you can!

    PS – I do the WHAT? thing too…I hate when I do it though.

  3. We might as well be twins. I feel your pain. It’ll get better. I was told that it’s normal to have very different emotions during a second pregnancy. Afterall, it’s not like you can sit around and contemplate every movement and dream up nurseries etc. You’re freakin busy and have a lot of competing priorities and whacked out hormones, it’s just stressful.

    -Hugs. It’ll get better.

  4. A very close friend of mine is also 17wks (w/ her 2nd)…and she’s feeling much the same way as you…just not into it this time, not wanted to decorate, not feeling that bond, not feeling very good (still sick most days).

    I hope things get better for you as the days/weeks progress! Hugs.

  5. “You are given only what you can handle” – You will find the strength and joy you desire in you on your own time- and that’s ok!

  6. The serenity prayer comes to mind. I know it’s been in my head a lot lately for my own family. And I blame some of my emotional stuff on hormones.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  7. Hi, Congrats on your pregnancy! Wish I would have known when I ran into you a few months ago but I’ve been out of the loop with old blogging buds! Sounds like you guys could use a little help?? I found some good help on care.com — child care, housekeeping, leaf raking, you name it. It didn’t take long to check references, and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than using a service like MaidPro. Two people with two jobs and too kids has got to be just too darn much sometimes!!


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