It has been almost a month since I’ve posted here. Honestly, I think I’ve been in denial. For some reason, I can’t get used to the idea of this third child. As much as I want this, I hope that I feel differently when this kid is born than I do now. Right now I feel nothing but exhausted and numb. I can’t bond with this baby and I don’t know why. I have no urge to decorate a nursery or buy things. I haven’t been thinking about names or even gender. I haven’t been using the doppler. And when people congratulate me or want to talk about the pregnancy, I struggle to speak with enthusiasm and then quickly change the subject. What is wrong with me?
My marriage has been anything but smooth during this pregnancy. We fight constantly now. Most evenings, I catch my husband glaring at me or sighing and I immediately assume he is annoyed and frustrated that I’m not helping more. So I immediately snap at him, “WHAT?!” Admittedly not the best way to handle things, but I can’t help myself. I don’t think he has ANY clue how difficult pregnancy is for a woman, plus working full time (in a stressful situation that I’m not going to go into here) and trying my best to stay upbeat for the twins. I know my husband is taking the brunt of the daily chores and you know what, I just can’t find the energy to care that I’m not pulling my weight. Yes, I know I’m growing a baby, so that should count for something, but at this point it feels like I’m playing the “pregnancy card” anytime I use that as an explanation. It is already old.
I just want to be on the other side of this. I’m 17 weeks in and still feeling nauseated. It is probably partially because I got yet another cold and now there is constant mucous dripping down my throat (sorry for the gross description), but I just feel off all the time. And I have NO energy. When I do think about this baby being born, it is only to worry about how the twins will react. I’m sure they’ll adjust and be fine, but I still think of them as my babies and it doesn’t make sense to me to think of them as an older brother or sister.
This dark cloud is not helped by the fact that we’ve got multiple medical issues going on in our extended family right now and rather than help anyone, all I can do is ask for help. Help getting the kids fed, bathed and to bed at night once in a while to give myself a break. And yes, my husband does all of this too, but it really is a 2 person job.
I guess I’m just in a funk. Physically and mentally.