Posted by: thisinfertilelife | May 9, 2010

Struggling

It has been almost a month since I’ve posted here.  Honestly, I think I’ve been in denial.  For some reason, I can’t get used to the idea of this third child.  As much as I want this, I hope that I feel differently when this kid is born than I do now.  Right now I feel nothing but exhausted and numb.  I can’t bond with this baby and I don’t know why.  I have no urge to decorate a nursery or buy things.  I haven’t been thinking about names or even gender.  I haven’t been using the doppler.  And when people congratulate me or want to talk about the pregnancy, I struggle to speak with enthusiasm and then quickly change the subject.  What is wrong with me?

My marriage has been anything but smooth during this pregnancy.  We fight constantly now.  Most evenings, I catch my husband glaring at me or sighing and I immediately assume he is annoyed and frustrated that I’m not helping more.  So I immediately snap at him, “WHAT?!”  Admittedly not the best way to handle things, but I can’t help myself. I don’t think he has ANY clue how difficult pregnancy is for a woman, plus working full time (in a stressful situation that I’m not going to go into here) and trying my best to stay upbeat for the twins.  I know my husband is taking the brunt of the daily chores and you know what, I just can’t find the energy to care that I’m not pulling my weight.  Yes, I know I’m growing a baby, so that should count for something, but at this point it feels like I’m playing the “pregnancy card” anytime I use that as an explanation.  It is already old.

I just want to be on the other side of this.  I’m 17 weeks in and still feeling nauseated.  It is probably partially because I got yet another cold and now there is constant mucous dripping down my throat (sorry for the gross description), but I just feel off all the time.  And I have NO energy.  When I do think about this baby being born, it is only to worry about how the twins will react.  I’m sure they’ll adjust and be fine, but I still think of them as my babies and it doesn’t make sense to me to think of them as an older brother or sister.

This dark cloud is not helped by the fact that we’ve got multiple medical issues going on in our extended family right now and rather than help anyone, all I can do is ask for help.  Help getting the kids fed, bathed and to bed at night once in a while to give myself  a break.  And yes, my husband does all of this too, but it really is a 2 person job.

I guess I’m just in a funk.  Physically and mentally.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | April 12, 2010

Whoa

I had no idea walking around for a couple of hours two days in a row would be so hard on my body.  I naively thought that a singleton pregnancy would be SO much easier than carrying the twins that I would breeze through it.  And the whole reason I didn’t LOVE being pregnant last time was because I was carrying two.  Turns out?  I’m not one of those women who LOVES being pregnant.  At least not through the first trimester.  I know there are so many women who would give anything to be in my position (I used to be one of them!), so of course, there is that guilt again.  But guess what?  From now on, I’m going to try to ignore the guilt and just bitch to my heart’s content.

Yesterday we went up to Boulder for a few hours to walk around Pearl street with the twins and grab lunch at the Rio.  For those of you who know the Rio, you’re probably wondering why I would bother when I can’t enjoy a marg there.  One word.  Queso.  And I managed to eat it.  That’s all I could eat, but at least I got the queso down.  The good part about family outings like this is that it gets the kids into new environments and tuckers them out.  The bad news is that it tuckers me out too and since they sleep in the car on the way home, no nap time for me to lounge around at home after the outing.  We made that same mistake today by taking the kids to the zoo.  But the weather was awesome and they had a blast, so what can you do.

But after 2 days of too much walking, probably not enough water drinking, and lots of picking up and putting down 2 toddlers, my entire abdomen is sore and tight.  The doppler has assured me everything is fine, so I think I just need to listen to my body, drink more water and not do as much next time.

My husband is doing so much these days that I worry he’s going to snap.  His temper is definitely shorter and I catch him giving me looks when he thinks I should be chipping in more.  Luckily a teary episode (mine) softened him up tonight and I think he’s getting the hint that I am doing my best.  I just worry that this is going to get harder until the baby is born and I don’t feel like either of us has much more to give.  Couple that with both of us entering a really busy time at work for the next two weeks and the worry wheels are turning in my head.  Sigh.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | April 5, 2010

The Attention Span of a Fly

I have composed so many blog posts in my head lately, but once I sit down to write, it all leaves my head.  I can’t focus on one thing to save my life right now.  Here are some random thoughts in various stages of development:

  • With my SIL pregnant and due one day before me, it has occurred to me on numerous occasions that it would be twice as hard if something happened to one of our pregnancies.  Uggh.
  • Speaking of something happening (or not), home dopplers are a blessing and a curse.  Panic set in when I couldn’t find a heartbeat for a good 10 minutes today.  I put the doppler away, peed, ate a pb&j sandwich and then picked it back up.  Found the heartbeat for about 3 seconds and then lost it again.  But it was enough to provide relief–for tonight at least.
  • Apparently we are going to find out the baby’s gender at the 22 week ultrasound.  Or so my husband answered when the tech asked us on Friday.  Friday’s ultrasound was great, by the way.
  • I just can’t get used to the idea that this pregnancy will result in a real, live baby.  My boss keeps reminding me and bringing up my maternity leave.  Meanwhile, I find myself saying things like “well, I’ll most likely be on leave come December.”  People probably think that’s weird.
  • There’s a baby shower for a coworker of mine this week who is due in a few weeks.  Wonder if they’ll throw me a baby shower since they never did the first time?  I chalk it up to the fact that I went on bed rest at 29 weeks and didn’t see anyone for the duration.  But still, my husband’s coworkers got us very generous gifts and had a surprise shower for him.
  • I CAN’T WAIT for nicer weather and to be able to use our back deck and yard again.  I think the dogs agree.  Note to self, must get gate for deck.
  • I’m waiting for the 2nd trimester burst of energy to kick in.  It never did with the twins.  I’m also waiting for the 1st trimester ickiness to go away.
  • I weighed exactly the same as I did three weeks prior at the doctor’s office on Friday.  At least I didn’t lose weight.
  • When was the last time I saw a movie in a movie theater?  I honestly can’t remember.  How old do the kids have to be for this event?
  • I look 6 months pregnant already.  WTF?
  • Staring at the ultrasound screen on Friday, I just couldn’t grasp the concept that WE made that baby.  Without a petri dish.  How did that happen?  What a miracle.
Posted by: thisinfertilelife | March 24, 2010

The Weepies

The weepies have definitely hit.  I was listening to this song on the way home from work today.  Totally sappy song, but one of my favorites to sing horribly at the top of my lungs alone in the car.  I couldn’t even choke the words out I was crying so hard.  Almost had to pull over and sob.  Uggh.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | March 21, 2010

My Family and Social Media

Last night I called my grandma to tell her we are expecting.  I told her to go ahead and tell the rest of the family knowing that word would spread like wildfire without me having to pick up the phone again.  She asked why I didn’t just sent an email and I told her that I’d rather her spread the good news for me.  So you know what she did?  She put something on fac.ebook.  Yep.  Outed me to all of my friends in addition to family.  I figured she would pick up the phone and call my aunts, uncles and cousins.  I had no idea she would tell the whole world with a 7 word comment on my unrelated status.  Oops.  Oh well.  I guess the word is out now.  I fully expect to get phone calls or hurt emails from certain friends who will feel like I should have told them personally.  Oy.  At least all of you, my IF brethren, already knew and don’t have to find out that way.

I now fully expect the IF gods to strike me dead after spilling the beans to the world at only 10 weeks.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | March 5, 2010

That There’s a Heartbeat

Thought I’d just cut to the chase.  The ultrasound this morning went as good as I could have asked for.  Heart was beating at 150 bpm, yolk sac looked great and baby is measuring around 7w2d or 7w3d.  Based on the first day of my LMP, I should be 7w6d today.  And based on what baby was measuring last Wednesday (5w4d), we are making very good and appropriate progress (was expecting 6w6d today if following where it measured last week).  I didn’t get to speak to a doctor yet, but the ultrasound tech said the margin of error at this point is about 3 days in either direction, so the 7w3d actually falls right there.

I was so relieved, I cried on the table when I saw the heart beating away. I’m pretty sure my heart was beating just as fast.  I should know by now to listen to my body as I’ve been really nauseas this week.  But it has fooled me before.  Thank you, ladies, for your support.  This has been a bit of a roller coaster.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | March 5, 2010

Here We Go

Slept awful last night.  Dreams of blood and pain and weeping.  Hopefully it was just my overactive imagination.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | February 28, 2010

Something

I have to believe there’s something going on in there.  I’ve been nauseas.  And not just a little that my sinus infection would account for.  I’m also starting to have trouble getting food down.  Must be a good sign, right?  Or maybe just wishful thinking.  Can Friday please get here soon?

I went to a baby shower today.  I had rsvp’d for it weeks ago and really didn’t want to cancel.  I skipped the mimosas and lunch meat while at the same time wondering if it even matters.  There were a bunch of women there that I don’t get to see too often and it was really nice to catch up.  But being around so much baby talk was difficult.  I must have been asked 5 different times if we’re going to have another child (you know the women who ask that are fertile because only fertiles are so presumptuous to assume it is that easy).  I had no idea how to answer that question.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | February 26, 2010

WTF

Last night one of the doctors from my OB office called to talk about the ultrasound.  She wasn’t exactly optimistic, but she said she wanted to stay “a little positive” and go ahead and schedule an ultrasound for next week.  She said even if the blood work didn’t look good, she didn’t want to rely on numbers (as they’ve tricked her in the past) and would rather confirm by ultrasound.  She also said that even though the structures (gestational sac, yolk sac, and fetal pole) were measuring a week behind based on my dates, they were all shaped perfectly.  In some cases, you are able to see the gestational sac collapsing on itself when miscarriage is imminent.  Of course, this doesn’t provide any answers yet, but just put a little hope back in my heart.  Dammit.

And tonight I got the call with results of the blood work.  HCG = 35,447 and Progesterone = 30.5.  Based on my calculations from the last beta on Feb 10th (230), perfect doubling every 48 hours would result in an HCG of 29,440.  The nurse said my levels had “risen appropriately” and we’ll see what happens at next week’s ultrasound.

So I’m left thinking “what the fuck?” and wondering what this all means.  I just don’t want to be given false hope.

Thanks for all of your kind words.  Even when I wasn’t able to hope (and I’m still scared of feeling what little hope I do have), your words have given me comfort.  It helps to know others can hope freely on my behalf.

Posted by: thisinfertilelife | February 24, 2010

Why

Fuck.  Why did I ever think this could possibly be so easy?  Why did I start thinking about fitting three car seats in one car, worrying about finances with three kids in daycare, getting my maternity clothes out, planning a nursery in my head and a million other things.  In my mind, we were already a family of 5.

The ultrasound this morning showed no heartbeat and a gestational sac/fetal pole measuring only 5w4d.  I’m currently 6w4d based on the date of my last period.  There is a chance I ovulated late and this could still work out.  However, I just don’t think I would have had a positive pee stick on cd 30 if I did ovulate late (especially a week late).  I’m crushed.

They took blood today and will call tomorrow with HCG and progesterone levels.  If the bloodwork gives us any hope, they’ll have me come in for another ultrasound next week.  If the bloodwork shows the pregnancy is “not progressing,” I have three options (1) wait a week to see if my body will miscarry on its own, (2) take medicine to force miscarriage, or (3) schedule a D&C.

This just couldn’t be easy, could it?  I really don’t want to add pregnancy loss to my infertility resume.

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